Individual Psychology#
Individual psychology advocates for the indivisibility of the mind and body, reason and emotion, and opposes the separation of these aspects when considering individuals.
Some people will become furious after being impulsive, while calm individuals will not. This means that we are not solely influenced by the independent existence of emotions, but rather by a unified individual.
To establish good interpersonal relationships, it is necessary to maintain a certain distance. Being too close hinders normal conversation, while being too distant leads to loss of connection. The topic of separation discussed in the previous chapter is not meant to isolate individuals into a state of "I am me, you are you," but rather to unravel the complex web of interpersonal relationships.
The Ultimate Goal of Interpersonal Relationships#
The starting point of interpersonal relationships is "separation of tasks," and the endpoint is "a sense of community."
When you view others as "partners" and live among them, you contribute to the collective and feel your own place. This state of viewing others as partners and feeling "a sense of belonging" is called a sense of community. It can be understood as a sense of belonging.
As long as others are included, it can be called a community. Two people, a family, a school, a company, a country, the Earth...
Adler said that all troubles stem from interpersonal relationships. The source of troubles is interpersonal relationships, and conversely, the source of happiness is also in interpersonal relationships. A sense of community is the most important indicator of happy interpersonal relationships.
To achieve the ultimate goal, the first thing to do is to transform one's attachment to oneself into concern for others.
Egocentrism#
People who are centered on themselves are too fixated on themselves and do not contribute to the collective. These individuals are unable to obtain a "sense of community" and cannot experience happiness.
Individuals who cannot separate tasks and are overly concerned with the desire for recognition are essentially too preoccupied with how others perceive them. They may appear to be observing others, but in reality, they only have themselves in mind. They are extremely egocentric.
"I" am the protagonist of my own life, but at the same time, I am also a member of the community, a part of the whole. Individuals who are centered on themselves go beyond being the "protagonist of their own lives" and assume the position of the "protagonist of the world." Therefore, they may think, "What can this person do for me?" and even believe that everyone should serve "me." However, others do not live to fulfill your expectations, and when those expectations are not met, they quickly view the other person as an "enemy."
People who hold onto the belief of being centered on themselves will even lose "friends" quickly.
Maps and Globes#
In maps used in France, the Americas are located on the left, Asia on the right, and Europe, specifically France, is depicted in the center. On the other hand, if it is a map used in China, China will be depicted in the center, the Americas on the right, and Europe on the left.
With a globe, you can consider France as the center, or China as the center, or even Brazil as the center. Every place is the center, and at the same time, no place is the center.
"My" Position#
"I" am a part of the community, not the center. Realizing this prevents the mistake of being "centered on oneself." As mentioned earlier, the ultimate goal of interpersonal relationships is to achieve a sense of community, and a sense of belonging is not something we are born with; we must take action to find our own place.
"I" simultaneously belong to multiple communities, such as being part of a family, a school, and a country. Do not be confined to the immediate community; be aware that you also belong to other communities, larger communities. In a larger community, such as a country, you can make contributions no matter where you are—buying a loaf of bread and paying with a coin connects you to producers, transporters, sellers, and other individuals.
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If you cannot find a sense of belonging in the current community, understand that there is a broader world beyond this community. By understanding the vastness of the world, you will realize that the hardships you face in the current community are just a "storm in a teacup." As long as you step out of the cup, the storm will turn into a breeze.
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Do not escape to a smaller community (such as the family) just because you cannot find a sense of belonging in the current community. You must step out of the cup; otherwise, you will not be able to see through the storm.
When we encounter difficulties or see no way out in interpersonal relationships, the first principle to consider is "listening to the voice of a larger community."
Interfering with Others' Tasks#
Two definitions:
- Vertical relationships: hierarchical relationships with a ranking system.
- Horizontal relationships: each person is different but equal, relationships on the same level.
Parents may help their children choose schools, and elders may give advice to young people. Why do people interfere with others' tasks? It is because they view interpersonal relationships as vertical relationships and see the other person as lower than themselves, which leads them to interfere. Interference is essentially manipulating others according to one's own wishes.
Praise and criticism contain a sense of "evaluation of the capable by the incapable." Individuals may form the belief of "I am incapable" due to being praised or criticized. Reward and punishment education based on praise and criticism can lead to the development of vertical relationships, making it easy for the weaker party to live to fulfill the expectations of the stronger party. This is especially important to consider when educating children.
If assistance is provided based on horizontal relationships, through encouragement and based on equal relationships, it will convey the courage of "I can do it too." Adler believed that in facing life's tasks, people are not lacking in ability but lacking in courage.
Courage Comes from Value#
Adler believed that people can only gain courage when they feel useful (valuable) to the community.
Evaluative language creates language based on vertical relationships. For example, when a friend helps you clean your room and you say, "You did a good job," it sounds awkward.
The most important thing is not to judge others but to establish horizontal relationships and sincerely express gratitude, respect, joy, and so on. When someone hears words of gratitude, they can feel that they have made a contribution (value) to others.
When judging value, it is important not to solely use the criterion of "action" for evaluation. Elderly individuals who are unable to take action can bring joy and gratitude to their families through their mere presence.
About a Sense of Community#
A young person asks: The encouragement method mentioned earlier seems like hypocrisy. Who can actually do it?!
Regarding this question, Adler's answer is: Someone has to start, even if others do not cooperate, it has nothing to do with you. My advice is that it should start with you. You don't need to consider whether others will cooperate.
Indeed, it may seem idealistic. Readers, please contemplate on your own.
About Horizontal Relationships#
The book states that how we treat a certain individual extends to how we treat everyone, meaning we can only choose either vertical relationships or horizontal relationships.
When choosing horizontal relationships, how should we treat, for example, superiors and subordinates in a company?
In terms of formalities, there can be vertical relationships between superiors and subordinates, but on a spiritual level, it must be a horizontal relationship.