"The Courage to Be Disliked" Chapter 3

Dec 18, 2022#阅读笔记33

AI Translation

This post is translated from Chinese into English through AI.View Original

AI-generated summary

This is a summary of the text in "en" language: Title: "Chapter 3 of "The Courage to Be Disliked" Date: 2022-12-18T18:23:50+08:00 Categories: ['Note'] Tags: ['Reading Notes'] Draft: false Cover: Weight: Other people's expectations Under the influence of a reward and punishment education system, people develop a wrong mindset of only doing good things if they receive praise. We should not live to satisfy other people's expectations, and no one lives to satisfy our expectations. Therefore, we do not need to fulfill other people's expectations. Seeking too much approval from others leads to caring too much about their opinions and sacrificing our true selves, ultimately living in other people's lives. In simple terms, do not have expectations of others and do not live to fulfill their expectations. Separating tasks It is your task to bring the horse to the river, and it is the horse's task to decide whether to drink water. How you view yourself is your task, and how others view you is their task. The book asserts that most interpersonal conflicts arise from interfering in other people's tasks or allowing others to interfere in our tasks. The method to determine whose task it is is simple: consider "who will ultimately bear the consequences of a certain choice." Understand that how others evaluate your choices is their task, and you have no control over it. Separating tasks simplifies interpersonal relationships. When you understand each other's tasks and choose to believe in this perspective, you will not care too much about others' opinions or seek their approval. Freedom True freedom is being disliked by others and accepting it. Everyone dislikes being disliked, but everyone will inevitably be disliked by others. To attain freedom, one must free themselves from interpersonal relationships. It is impossible for a person to not be disliked by anyone, which means freedom is accepting being disliked by others. - Not caring about others'

Other People's Expectations#

If you pick up trash on the floor at work and no one praises you, will you still pick up trash next time? Under the influence of this reward and punishment style of education, an incorrect way of living is formed: "If no one praises me, I won't do good deeds."

We do not live to satisfy other people's expectations, and no one lives to satisfy our expectations. Therefore, we do not need to fulfill other people's expectations.

Seeking too much approval from others will make us overly concerned about their evaluations, abandoning our true selves, and ultimately living in other people's lives.

In simple terms, it means: do not have expectations of others, and do not live to fulfill others' expectations.

Separating Issues#

It is your issue to bring the horse to the river, and it is the horse's issue whether to drink water or not.
How you view yourself is your issue, and how others view you is their issue.

The book asserts that basically all interpersonal conflicts arise from unwarranted interference in other people's issues or having one's own issues interfered with by others.

The method to determine whose issue it is is very simple, just consider "who will ultimately bear the consequences of a certain choice."

Understand that how others evaluate your choices is their issue, and you have no control over it.

Separating issues simplifies interpersonal relationships. When you clearly distinguish each other's issues and choose to believe in this perspective, you will not be too concerned about others' evaluations and will not seek approval from others.

Freedom#

The so-called freedom is to be disliked by others and accept it.

Everyone does not want to be disliked by others, but everyone will definitely be disliked by others. Only by freeing oneself from interpersonal interactions can one obtain freedom, and it is impossible for a person to not be disliked by anyone. That is to say, freedom is (accepting) being disliked by others.

Not caring about others' evaluations;
Not being afraid of being disliked by others;
Not seeking approval from others.

Do not idealize the world too much. Romain Rolland once said: "Realism without ideals is meaningless, and idealism detached from reality is lifeless."